I had a close friend tell me that a girl told him that she didn’t really want to date him because he couldn’t “spiritually lead” her. This is an a example of something really shitty.
And before you get all judgey on me, yes, I have thought that before about guys. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes that is a “problem”. But the problem this time is that my friend is a pretty solid dude. He’s challenged me mentally, spiritually, personally. I’ve had some incredibly meaningful conversations with him. We’ve walked and talked through many “life things” together. He’s been like a brother to me. So, it hurt to hear people think this way about him. So, this led me to thinking about how quick girls are to judge the hearts of potential beaus based on, well basically, nothing. Or at least things that don’t matter.
Growing up in the sometimes distorted Christian “fairy tale”, young preteen, pimply faced girls got told that they are worth it. And they are, we still are totally worth it. But, back then, they took this idea and ran with it. They deserve this exact, specific type of hyper-human/God mash up in every guy that they even consider looking at. We were told, “Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t (fill in the blank: treat you like the princess that you are, love you unconditionally, give you a million back rubs, play worship songs on his guitar, etc, etc).” One thing that is usually on the list, something to the effect of, “He can spiritually lead me”.
I’ve come to hate these words, especially when spoken out of hurt or hatred or insecurity. I’ve been there. I’ve said that and meant it and sometimes I still mean it. But, the problem is that being a “spiritual leader” is so vague, yet so defined at the same time. Each girl has a different little idea dreamed up in their head of what a spiritual leader is. Then, they proceed to judge every guy, and harshly, on their spiritual leader meter (1 being Satan himself, or Voldemort and 10 being some glorified form of human with the face and voice of Justin Timberlake, the mind of Jesus himself, and the body of, I don’t know, somebody with really nice muscles, but, like, not too much because that would be gross). And then, every girl gets disappointed and angry and cynical about all the guys in the world because no one can measure up to their ridiculous standards.
I’m talking to myself here too.
We’ve all been there, struggling to justify what’s inside our tiny little heads. Scrambling for any excuse to make ourselves feel better about the truths we were taught to believe.
We make judgements based on people we really barely know. I’ve known some people for over a year and am now finally just beginning to really understand who they are and why they do what they do. Friendships and relationships take so much time and frankly, most of us just don’t have time to bother with it and really do it properly. So we pick and choose who we deem “worthy” of this time. Now, this isn’t a bad thing. We obviously can’t pick everyone to be our BFFAEAE (best friends forever and ever and ever, for those not in the know), but why do we both intentionally and unintentionally sabotage some friendships or relationships?
We’re scared. We’re tired. We’re over it. We just can’t possibly spend the time and energy to put into ANOTHER person. I know I’ve been there on all accounts. But, why?
Instead of seeking what God has to say about it, they look to these fantasies, both in seeking friendships and relationships. Each person has such a different picture of what a relationship should look like and everyone is placing these on everyone else and then we get ourselves into this cluster-cuss (Fantastic Mr. Fox shout out) of relationship messiness.
But we have to cut the crap with these hard and fast rules and lists of what we think we deserve. We have to shift these expectations to God because he’s really the only one that we can expect anything out of or anything that promises us that we deserve anything. If we quit focusing so much on another person, maybe we will finally see that God was furiously vying for our attention the whole time.